New Beginnings and a Day of Reflection

Hey everyone, and welcome to the start of my new blog! Pretty soon I will be done with school, so I decided to start something up to keep me occupied. I’m looking forward to writing about the things I care about and have an audience to read and critique them. I feel that the year 2014 is going to create some huge changes for me, so I should have plenty to talk about. In order for me to start this blog, it seems necessary to share with you all the circumstances as to why I would create a blog right now.

2013 started off as a very shitty year for me. My girlfriend had left me a few days before Christmas and I had no job. Since someone I had loved for 2 years had suddenly departed from my life, I felt the need to make some changes in my life, as I’m sure many others have done, in an attempt to fix the problems that might have caused the breakup. The first thing I decide to change was a physical one, appearance.  So I do the smart thing as a person who has no income and I join a gym, and sign up for personal training.

Don’t get the wrong idea. I don’t believe my physical health was a factor in it all. I did it mainly as something to occupy my time. With no work and school still on break, I felt very isolated and becoming very lethargic. The depression of the breakup wasn’t really motivating me to do much. Also, my new roommate to replace her part of the rent, a complete introverted recluse, wasn’t doing me any favors. It was a nice, yet expensive, way to get out of the apartment and having a trainer to talk to was an added bonus.

However, the gym didn’t do much for my depression. As the new semester started in school, I found myself not caring at all to do any of the work. I’m the type of person, or I was rather, who can’t really get self-motivated. With a girlfriend, I had the motivation to get things done so that I could get a decent job to establish a firm financial ground to start a life together. In fact, she was one of the major motivating factors for me getting back into school in the first place. With her out of the equation, the only person who would benefit from my education was myself, and at the time, that wasn’t enough. As a result, my grades took a bit of a slide, and I ended up not signing up for classes next semester, which almost ended up delaying my graduation.

Boo! Space!
Astronomy, a crappy class I almost failed.

About 3/4ths into the semester, I decided that this state of self-pity and apathy I was in wasn’t any good. I would think to myself, “Would she ever come back, seeing the state that you’re in? Of course not!” I thought about big problems that I suffered from and the big one that sat uncontested for the #1 spot on that list was my social problem. She would always complain about my lack of friends. Most of that had to do with the comfort I felt with her friends, who honestly, were some of the best people I’ve ever had the pleasure of getting to know. Unfortunately, their company wasn’t an option anymore. I wanted to change my situation in this matter, but I would need some help in doing so.

Taking advise from, I kid you not, a book on sex, I decided to seek some therapy. As much as I would have liked to do so, there was no way I could afford it when I have no job and still paying for personal training, which, by the way, was doing wonders for building arm muscles, but not doing anything in the stomach department. I went to check to see if my school had anything to offer, and sure enough, they offer a free counseling service.  I couldn’t refuse such a deal, and signed myself up just to give it a go.

With the help of counseling, I was able to get back on track and finish school. Talking about my problems with someone else was very helpful since I didn’t have many people I could turn to. I was able to cope with my problems until summer came around, and I had no more money left and still no job. Having to borrow from my parents and failing to land a job, I plunged back into a depression, until I was finally able to land a part time job at a hospital. With some sort of income and a job that wasn’t in food service, I began to feel a whole lot better and then was able to dive back into to my other problems once the next semester started.

Because of my situation, I didn't really have a summer.
Because of my situation, I didn’t really have a summer.

After an extremely stressful opening of the semester where I had to get a ton of overrides to get into the classes I needed to graduate on time, I was prepared to finish off the year strong. I felt that I would feel better if I was able to keep myself busy for most of the time. I continued going to the gym, I tried to form a Tabletop Gaming Club at school (and failed, but I had a bit of fun doing it anyway), attending bartending school, going to school, keeping touch with old friends, and other various things. In doing so, it kept my mind focused on other things and I was able to avoid my own apartment, which had become a source of depression. After many months of my roommate not giving any fucks about anything, my place became (and still is) a place of abject sadness.

For the most part, things worked out for me over the course of the semester. Even while I kept busy, I was able to keep up with everything and not fall behind. I ran into a couple of bumps along the way, but I feel that I’m in a good position now.  As long as I don’t completely bomb a couple of my finals in the net couple weeks, I should be done with school for good.

I also feel that I’ve improved myself a whole lot during the last half of the year. I’ve changed a lot of my wardrobe and I dress a fair bit better now. Not only do I feel better with my new look, it seems to have people treating me a bit better and nicer. I’ve also learned to just be myself, which sounds completely lame, but it’s true. When one of my professor’s told me that I was acting like myself and it was working when it came to speeches, it seemed like a non-compliment at first.  I thought it was one of those things you say when you don’t have anything good to say. I thought about it for a while and realized that perhaps my personality can be used for my own good. I shouldn’t hide it until I feel comfortable with people, and just act like myself 100% of the time. Sure it might not go well sometimes, but that’s okay because not everyone is going to like you anyway. Better to known by some, then not be known at all. This makes me feel that I’m not the introverted person I made myself to be and that I am pretty outgoing when I choose to be.

Facing Nega Bill was a long and tough fight.
Unlike Nega Scott, facing Nega Bill was a long and tough fight.

All of what you’ve read so far, if you’re actually still reading this, has led up to today. This blog serves two purposes for me. The first purpose is to keep writing after school so that my writing skills don’t decay over time. The second purpose is to practice and build a website around it. Since I felt the need to post something today, I have only just started playing around with the appearance of the site. I know things aren’t the best looking now, and it may be worse if you’re reading this in the middle of me experimenting. Let me apologize if your eyes have been strained by looking at the site in it’s current state. Hopefully I’ll have it all in decent-looking shape in the near future. As to what the blog will be about, I’m not entirely sure. I have ideas on some things I want to write about with concerns to internet cultures and social behaviors in relation to videogames. Don’t worry, it should be readable even for people with no knowledge of games. They won’t all be as personal as this one, but if interesting things happen to me next year, and they probably will, I might jot down a little something about my experiences.

As I look back on the year, none of this would have happened if my ex never left me at the end of last year. Even though it’s caused me months of depression and pain, I came out of it all a better person. Perhaps it was all for the best, though a part of me wish it didn’t have to happen the way it did. So on this day, I will spend some time with my memories of her in order to push the past aside and prepare myself for a whole new year of promise. I’m going to go through some stuff I have kept in a drawer I haven’t opened, listen to a couple of albums I’ve been avoiding all this time, and do some other sappy stuff. Hopefully I’ll end up feeling better at the end of the day. I know that some amount of pain will never go away, especially not until I become content with where I am in life, but hopefully this will dull it to the point where it isn’t noticeable anymore. I have to live in a world where I will be constantly reminded of her existence, and that just something I probably won’t ever be able to avoid, only learn to deal with better.

Perhaps the true freedom path of Vincent is the right path for me.
Perhaps the true freedom path of Vincent is the right path for me.

Well, that’s about all I have to say about that. I hope you guys were able to take something out of all of this. I suppose my closing thoughts are: A) Don’t be afraid to seek help if you need it, and B) don’t be afraid to live for yourself. Follow your passions in life. I hope you all had a better year than I had, and I wish you all the luck in 2014. It’s going to be a heck of a ride. Thanks for reading, and enjoy yourselves!

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